Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Chronicles of Gus and the Case of a Cold Heart in God's Microwave.

Lately I have had a numb heart that has no passion left in it. It has left me to simply go through the motions. Days and weeks have been passing by me and I haven't even seen them. Today was one of those days where I have bottled things up for so long and now the floodgates have been opened to what seems to be endless tears, repentance, and another turn. I am a sinner. If I was God, Heaven forbid, I would just say "Well this one has no chance. She keeps falling into temptation and won't completely trust me with her life. She is screwed up. I can't help her anymore." My heart is slowly warming back up again. Where did all of this fire and passion go? Who opened the window of my heart and swept all of this frigid air in? I feel like God just put my heart in His microwave and hit the defrost button. I have been angry and numb to love and life and all of it's blessings. Why am I so blind? Why do I stray from my creator? Why doesn't God and everyone I know just give up on me? Satan is at work in me and I have let him in. Why didn't God sweep in earlier? Why am I so stupid? I need to learn so much. My prayers are simply cries out to the ceiling hanging overhead now. Where is God? Why can't he just send me a burning bush or part the sky and rumble the seas with His voice and tell me what to do? Where did that God go that turned the sea red and sent the ten plagues of egypt? I am one big disappointment. I am weak. Why can't I fully rely on God as my crutch? He is my peace and my joy and my strength. He turned me away from depression and self-hatrid thoughts of suicide and now I am scared of making another 180. The truth is I am terrified. I am terrified of turning into a nightmare. I am terrified of straying from God's plan. I am terrified of staying terrified. The sun rises and sets every day without me. My body inhales and exhales without me. I am straying but God is pulling on my arm so hard to return. To return to a peaceful place where I am wrapped in His arms and I am protected from sin and hatrid and depression. I want to be there whole-heartedly. I want to be there so badly. How do I get there? How can God just take me back? Why doesn't He just kick me out into the street and let me fend for myself? I don't understand it. His love is so unconditional. Slowly but sure I am defrosting. Hopefully soon my heart will be boiling. But for now the ice is just slowly turning into a puddle. This is simply an outpouring of my heart. Goodnight Moon. Goodnight all.

This video kills me everytime.

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