Saturday, September 19, 2009

Ardently Seeking Renewal

I am in this sandwich of frustration, exhaustion, confusion, and appeasement. Now this sandwich seems more like a crepe or a burrito-but enough with the food references. I have been shown just how much I have, and how blessed I am, and I still fail to find the feeling of absolute contentedness. I can't help but watch the guilt rise in me as I see this happen. I have so much. I have a house. A car. Food. An education. Clothes on my back. Family and friends that lovingly surround me. A God that loves me. What else do I need? What am I so ardently searching for? It's as if I am waiting for these continual changes to take place in my life. These changes in myself that I wish I could make. I am not capable of molding myself. God has molded me. I am only the clay.
I have become this person exhausted literally all the time. Exhausted physically, mentally, and spiritually. I feel I just need to find the healing rest. The rest that is the antidote to my exhaustion and my restlessness. Subsquently I see that I already know the answer. God. He is my rest. My salvation. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28. I am weary and burdened, and I know that He is my rest. May I be completely filled in Him so that I can rest. So that I can be renewed again. Hitherto I have realized that this entry is basically ineffectual and nonsensical. I inquire what I need, what this search is all about, then I find that all I need is God. "I have such a short memory so You keep reminding me of You." As I keep falling down, forgetting, here I am being reminded of what I essentially need. Just a bit more faith and a lot more patience.

No comments: