A Father killed His Son for an ant....

This life is constantly getting harder and easier all at one. I'll be able to breathe and then something will come in and trash my heart with graffiti and vandalism. Then those scars begin to heal and I'll be able to breath for a short while. All I really know is that I worship a huge and wonderful God that sacrificed his own Son for me. Its as if a Father and Son were walking down the street together and the Father looked down and saw an ant that He truly loved. That it was worth the blood, the hurt, and everything else. He sacrificed His own Son for this ant He saw on the ground. I am equivalent to the ant on the sidewalk. This blows my mind. This love knows no boundaries. It is steadfast. So while I am constantly weary, He is my solid rock upon which I stand. What can touch me with God?

Bodyguard.

"Here I am, full of dirt, chasing a God I don't deserve.

I am trying to be a better me, but I am stumbling in my daily routine.

Father, come into my heart.

Father, come into my heart.

Father, You're my Bodyguard.

Father, You're my Bodyguard.

Here I am, take all of me, mold my heart, and make me clean.

Your Grace has overcome my sin, You gave me a chance to be born again.

Father, come into my heart.

Father, come into my heart.

Father, You're my Bodyguard.

Father, You're my Bodyguard.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances,

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Father, come into my heart.

Father, come into my heart.

Father, You're my Bodyguard.

Father, You're my Bodyguard."


God is always there. Ready to forgive, strengthen, and comfort. His love is steadfast.

It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World.

I feel like I'm being consumed by the world and being pulled away from the kingdom of God.
I am jealous, anxious, angry, and fearful, all of these are emotions that God tells me I shouldn't feel. I shouldn't be jealous of someone else. I shouldn't be anxious about whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I shouldn't be angry at people. I shouldn't be fearful of going in the wrong direction.
This whole facebook-fasting thing hasn't done me well quite yet.
My lack of fellowship I feel is leading me astray.
I just want a telegram from God that gives me a map of what I should be doing right now.
He confirmed for me many times that I should be where I am, but it seems satan is getting in the way of this. It feels like he is reaching into my heart and yanking on my heartstrings until all that is left is the bad stuff---the stuff that I don't want anyone to see--the stuff that creates confusion and the "bad emotions" mentioned above. ^^.

This blog seems to do nothing more than to release some of the stuff that is on my mind.
My followers seems to have reached the number five. wahoo. I was never striving for fame anyways.
If you are reading this, Becca, Becki, Sarah, Rose, or Bryn, please pray.
Thank You.

nameless.

I'm such a loser.
I keep screwing up.
Sometimes I feel like I would be an exception for God's love since I continue to fail Him.
But still, God seems to be my only advocate.
His patience and love is astounding.


.....

Current Confessions.

I would sell my leg for some balance in my life right about now.
I'm gauging my ears which my mother isn't so fond of.
I'm less passionate about God right now.
I'm five weeks behind on my bible study in a year.
I'm jumping up to God as Satan is pulling me down.
I'm losing touch with friends.
I haven't read something that isn't required in months.
I'm losing patience for everything that is coming. A family. A career of ministry.
Bloody hell...

the end.

Raise Your Hand If You're Insane.

Some part of me thought that college would be easier than high school. I thought I would escape the guys that talked about inappropriate things. I thought I would escape the arrogance and the craziness. But I didn't. There are still those guys that I would love to punch in the face. There are still those people that love to talk about themselves. Isn't this place supposed to be about maturity? High school was rough. I was put in lockers, thrown in trash cans, spit on, called awful names, and made fun of. Although college hasn't been that bad yet, I guess I just had high hopes. The truth is that college is hard. All new people. Tons of work. College is asking almost too much for a 21st century student. "Do your homework. Oh wait but you need to study for this exam. Wait you need to go to church. Wait you haven't seen your friends in weeks. Wait your personal life is falling apart. Wait how long has it been since you have read your bible? Wait how many hours of sleep did you get?" There are not enough hours in a day these days. A few more hours would be nice. Balance is a rare commodity these days. I find that I am holding on by a thread sometimes. And even better I am broke, unemployed, insomniac, losing touch with all of my friends, and its only the first quarter. I don't like this. The only good part of college is bible study. I wonder if I could steal a bachelor's and masters degree without actually going to college....hmm. Satan is loving this. he is trying to hit me where it hurts. Its very possible that I will be in a coma by the end of the year. hip hip hooray college is dumb. Worth it?
Thus, concluding the ramblings of an overwrought crazy person.

Learning Experiences

Well let me begin my saying that God is crazy. He is introducing me to people that are so in love with him and that are helping me become closer to Him and help me learn more. I am not really sure what God is up to, but He's up to something. I keep screwing things up everyday, and yet He still loves me. Lately things, on occasion, are rough, but he's helping me through, helping me grow more and learn more. I ask for patience and He gives me cars that are going 55 when they should be going 65, He's giving me people that are arrogant, discriminatory, judgemental, naive, and annoying, He's given me a cat that won't behave, He's given me things that I've heard on the news that break my heart and make me angry, but I am learning. He is answering. Sure I still freak out in my own impatience, but I am learning. He is helping shield me from temptation. He is showing me how to use the gifts He has given me. God is good. 8-)=